Life After Death

Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet still become something beautiful.

Beau Taplin

Before butterflies turn into the beautiful creatures that we know them to be, they first go through a process called metamorphosis, where they experience 4 stages of life: egg, larva, pupa, and adult. During the pupa stage, while in their caterpillar form, they create a chrysalis, which is a cocoon where their old body dies, and a new one emerges days later.

Just like a butterfly, I too have been going through somewhat of a metamorphosis, experiencing some literal and figurative deaths in my own life.

In February of this year, I experienced the death of my older brother, who most people didn’t even know that I had. With a more than 15 year age gap and us not growing up in the same household, unfortunately it was easy for me not to mention him.

Even still, I struggled with his passing much more than I thought I would. My emotions were all over the place. I was sad, but I also felt guilty for being sad and that I didn’t deserve to grieve because our relationship wasn’t as strong. I was in such a weird place.

While processing my feelings after his death, I was also seeing so much death happen around me with friends and people I knew losing loved ones, and then just seeing so much death and loss in the world in general, it was like an overload for me. It was so draining. I went from being so excited and energized to accomplish some things at the beginning of the year, to feeling like a zombie and really just trying to push through daily.

As my birthday month came and my birthday approached, I was hopeful that things would turn around and that I would feel a resurgence of energy, but the day came and went as if it meant nothing at all.

More than one week after my birthday, I have finally taken the time to sit, reflect, and process this year so far, which is something I had yet to really do.

Normally someone who is able to “hold it together,” I had been hit with more emotions than I was able to actually deal with, and me not fully processing everything wasn’t working either. In addition to the literal deaths I had been experiencing, with the help of my therapist, I have been working to “dead” some parts of me that have been holding me back from all of the things that I want to and can accomplish. Where initially my therapy sessions would have me leaving strong and ready to take on the world, these past sessions have left me either in tears or very reflective.

It has been a process, and it’s not over. In fact, it is a continuous work, but I find comfort in knowing that each layer shed will reveal something beautiful. Though I experience loss and will continue to do so, I won’t let it consume me.

As I begin to officially start my personal new year, I am thankful for this life God has blessed me to have, and am excited about each and every day that I am blessed to see.

The year isn’t over yet; there are still some experiences to be had! Don’t let whatever bad thing(s) happened so far this year keep you from doing something amazing with the next several months. There is something beautiful on the other side of the darkness.