Have you ever felt like you were drowning?……..well for the past few months that’s how I’ve been feeling……..
QUICK STORY TIME:
In high school I went to a water park, which I’m not the biggest fan of, because I’m not a swimmer. I don’t do the waterslides because I feel like I might tip over, land face first in the water, and drown. I know it might sound a little irrational, but that’s my business.
I usually keep it simple: lazy river and wave pool. That’s it.
I was in the lazy river, but left and made my way to the wave pool. There were a lot of people out there, but I found myself a little section, and I was just floating, bopping around in the water, and minding my business. Every so often a wave would come and it would push me towards the deep end. After maybe 20 minutes or so of being in the water, I had made my way towards the center, which was like the deepest portion: it was probably only 5 or 6 feet max, but standing at only 5 foot 4, that was deep enough for me.
Another wave came, and as the water moved around me, I was carried further towards the center, and I found myself going under. I’m pretty sure I had been daydreaming, which is why I was so relaxed and it felt so easy to succumb to the water. It’s weird; As I was going down, it felt eerily calm and serene. It was as if the world had disappeared. It wasn’t until I heard someone calling my name that I snapped back to reality and attempted to make my way back to the surface.
The whole encounter was probably only seconds long, but to me it felt like FOREVER.
As last year came to a close, and we were preparing for the New Year, I was hopeful and excited about what was to come. 2024 was okay, but I felt 2025 would be much better. I’m no numerologist or anything, and quite frankly don’t know what they do, but I had declared this MY YEAR.
3 is my favorite number.
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I turn 33 this year. (3 two times)
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2025 or 2+0+2+5= 9 (A multiple of 3.)
All of that equals MY YEAR! I was sure of it!
The year finally arrives and I don’t know what triggered it, but it felt like I was in that wave pool again, but instead of seconds, it was days that turned into weeks. My mental was low, and my spirit felt lower. I had no motivation to do anything, except cry. I was doing a lot of that. I kept trying to make my way to the surface, but the longer I stayed down, the easier it was to just relax and succumb to the waters around me.
While I no longer feel like I’m underwater, I do feel like I’m still adjusting. Being underwater for so long can do damage. It’s not an easy bounce back, but one thing I attribute my bounce to: COMMUNITY.
I thank God for community, and even when I don’t have the strength to articulate what I need or what I’m going through, I’m thankful to be around great people who encourage me and pour into me, whether they realize they are or not.
The first couple of weeks of the year I felt disconnected and off kilter because my church had repairs being done, which required us to be away on Sundays. I was going to the other places, but it’s nothing like being around your people, who you know. I think I underestimated the power of community and how not having that community can affect you, how it affected me.
With my birthday only a month away, that’s something I want to do a better job of: leaning on community, but I know in order to do that I have to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to let people in. It sounds easy enough, but someone who has lived life like a CIA Agent for quite some time, it’s hard to shed those layers.
As I prepare to walk into this personal new year, I’m hopeful and excited about what’s to come. It’s only Quarter 1. There’s still a lot that can happen.
Simply Dominique 